


To Stay and To Go

by GameofTywinning



Category: Stargate Universe
Genre: Friendship, Implied blooming romance, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-09
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-19 21:36:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4761863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GameofTywinning/pseuds/GameofTywinning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The ship is empty, the crew is gone, and Rush has a decision to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Stay and To Go

**Author's Note:**

  * For [literallygold](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=literallygold).



                The gate was open. 

                The gate was open and they were gone. 

                The gate was open.

                And he was alone. 

                Nicholas Rush’s knuckles were white on the edges of the console.  He had done it for them, opened the worm hole and stabilized it.  Now they were gone.  He was gone. 

                The ripples of the gate were almost inviting, like calm waters, inviting him through.  The light was too harsh though, the rooms glow was too bright.  He couldn’t stand it.  Moments ago he watched them all walk through.  Jumpy.  Excited.  Desperate.  Nervous.  The energy in the room was sucked away with them back to Earth. 

                He had just needed ten to stay.  Ten plus two.  Him and Young. 

                He thought he and Young had won them over.  He let himself feel that brief flicker of warmth that spread from his chest and circulated in a tingle throughout his body.  Hope as he gazed across the crowd, nervous and afraid. 

                It was like drowning in ice.  Telford’s voice had cut through the moment, freezing and shattering his veins.  Numbness has coated his insides and sickness fell into his gut. 

                They were gone. 

                He hadn’t looked back. 

                He was the last through the gate. 

                But he hadn’t looked back. 

                He wouldn’t cry though.  He could ignore the prickling in his eyes and the buzzing in his head. 

                It was over for him. 

                The gates ripples mocked him.  It would be easy to walk through; to physically take the steps across the empty room and cross the threshold and go back to earth.  The distance between him and the gate wasn’t far.  There was no physical obstruction keeping his movements from gliding him to Earth to continue his life.  He shook his head.  His grip was still tight on the console. 

                Earth wasn’t home.  Not anymore.  Did he have a home?

                Destiny had felt like one.  The choice of staying had seemed like an easy one when he made the connection.  Destiny was his life now, his mission, his goal.  He had nothing on earth.

                He’d made that choice so long ago, far before Icarus Base and the mission had officially started. 

                That’s when this began for the crew.  His friends.  But for him it had started even before the equation needed solving.  He’d let go far before then. 

                He’d never been good at grieving. 

                He had been good at letting go. 

                Even before she was gone. 

                It had always been easy to just let go.  Logic could always dominate emotion; decisions could be made based on calculations.  Wasting time wasn’t an option, not when the maths lead him to deciphering the code that lead him to this mission.  Just maths, pure and simple, before it became more than that for him.

                This ship changed everything. 

                All sense of logic and proofs left him and the ship and its mission bled through his psyche.  He cared too much now. 

                Leaving wasn’t an option. 

                Staying wasn’t one either. 

                Beyond the logistics of being unable to physically carry on alone, he mentally could no longer do it.  He couldn’t block them out, the family he hadn’t asked for or deserved. 

                There was no equation or problem big enough to distract him from the emptiness of the ship.

                He released the console and approached the gate slowly and sunk to his knees. 

                He would have nothing if he stayed. 

                He would have nothing if he went. 

                He could have him. 

                Maybe. 

                He closed his eyes.  He could see him now, his back approaching the gate.  Those broad shoulders disappearing into the blue. 

                He hadn’t asked Rush if he was coming because he knew he wouldn’t go.  He knew him well enough to know that he could never leave this behind.  It would make everything he sacrificed to get here meaningless.  Everything he sacrificed to stay here meaningless. 

                Gloria. 

                Riley.

                Mandy.

                Why did this problem have only two options? 

                Stay.

                Go.

                Why wasn’t there a third option?  To stay and to go?  To be with him and to be with the ship and the answers that awaited them? 

                But there was an answer to this, a third option to his problem. 

                The Neural Interface Chair could once again be his salvation.  He had nothing to lose now; he could sit in it and connect to the ship.  There was no one here to stop him now: not his own fear, not his team, and certainly not the man who left him and the mission to go back to earth where he would certainly be alone because who there could ever understand this and what he left behind? 

                Rush slowly lifted himself up, he was shaking as he rose to his full height.  He was afraid of what would happen to him.  He gave a last look at the open gate; they would be closing it soon. 

                He turned to the exit, his mind already imagining the hum of the chair.  He could do this, he could leave Earth and Destiny behind.  Neither were his home anymore. 

                Home had left him here alone.  And he would leave home alone. 

                Rush stopped in the door and took a deep breath and held it.  Just one last look and then he’c cross the threshold and never look back again. 

                He turned.

                The gate was closed. 

                But he was not alone. 

                Everett Young stood before the gate. 

                Rush couldn’t contain the sob that broke from his chest as he again fell to his knees and openly wept. 

                He didn’t hear Young approach but he felt him.  Felt his arms wrap around his slim shaking form. 

                “Y-you.”  Rush gasped.  “You came back.”  He could feel Young smile against his head. 

                “I made a promise to stand by you.”  Young rubbed his back.  Rush pulled back to look him in the face.  It was warm, and close, and real.  Rush choked out a laugh. 

                “We needed ten more.”  Young just broke out in a grin. 

                “Well, I’ve never been much for numbers.”  Rush shook his head. 

                “You’re a lot of work Colonel.”  It was Young’s turn to laugh. 

                “Nothing you can’t handle.”  Rush lets Young pull him up to his feet, but didn’t let him let go.  Not that Young wanted to.  Besides, they had all the time in universe. 


End file.
